In a lot of ways, senior year of college is like senior year of high school, albeit the stakes are a bit higher and I am a little more lost. One significant portion of the HS senior year were the college applications. I remember clearly, towards the end of the process, the applications — which were intended to be means to an end– ended up taking on revelatory and transformative powers of their own. The essays after essays forced me to reflect on the four years — no, the eighteen years that had passed, coming to a conclusion about who I had became and emerging glimpses of who I hope to/will become. Now — looking at future opportunities for the next few years is forcing me to do the same, look back at my past, my choices and decisions. They call into question, again and again, the choices I am now making about my life: “Why do you want this opportunity?” “What do you hope to gain from this?” “What contributions can you bring to the table?” And again, I feel like a little kid carefully, unwrapping her secrets in front of a table of faceless adults, hoping that they don’t reject not just the application, but her. People always say, don’t take rejection personally, but perhaps if these rejections are not personal, you haven’t been putting in yourself in your applications.
These posts have been a little deeper than I originally intended them to be. Of course, daily life is happening around me. I have been seeing friends, running errands, being a general chauffer for my brother. The rest of my life has been undramatic, but I feel like everything in me is in turbulence. And so, these journal posts are what they are before you.