I haven’t blogged for a while, not for lack of material to blog about so much as sheer exhaustion from the past few months of MCATs, graduation, turbulent personal relationships, medical school applications… Have not had the time to properly process. Although, in some ways and with certain issues, I have been avoiding processing them — avoidance taking the form of packing my schedule with as many social events as possible.
As I write this, I am on another bumpy Dominican road to the capitol. Santigold blasting in my ears. I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up. If I can stand up mean for all the things that I believe. The song uncannily captures my current sentiments and my thoughts about several occurrences over the past month. I am thinking about decisions that need to be made and roads that have already been chosen. I am struck by the irreversibility of life, puzzled as to whether or not I am at another personal cross road. There is no turning back. Time does not move in that direction. More than six months ago, I decided to graduate early and return to Haiti. More than a year ago, I decided to become involved with Haiti. Three years ago, I decided on medicine. Four years ago, I decided to go to Swarthmore. And some twenty-three years ago, my parents decided to get married. Decisions that were made and then tattooed onto this map, irretractable.
I left on Thursday night with more doubt than I have ever had about coming to Hispaniola. Doubts mainly surrounding me – my capabilities, the personal costs of this, whether I am strong enough. Doubts that neither begin nor end in clarity, all stormily brewing up anxiety. Driving through Port Au Prince in January was accompanied by clarity about my purpose, but the trip, as all things in life, turned out to be more complicated than I envisioned. I am no longer so sure. And somewhere in me, I am deeply saddened by this loss of clarity.
All I am sure about now is that I needed to leave. Under considerations for certain persons, I cannot go into details, but certain complexities over the past month have caused me to question who I am as a person, my decisions. Uncomfortably questioning. So, although I have not been running to Haiti, I have been running away.
And here I am now. Deep breath. Here goes.