While on the drive back from Oregon, staring out my passenger window and refusing to look at him, I said, “I forgive you.” I wanted to believe those three words more than anything else I have said in my life. I wanted to get to that place, after all of these months of hurt. But I wasn’t there yet and I don’t think I am there still.
Whether or not we choose to return to the relationship or move on from it remains a question. What does not remain a question is that I need to be able to let go of the past and forgive.
For a long time now, I have held onto the hurt. I have obsessively replayed the scenes and the lies over and over again in my head. I think, in a large part, out of the need to protect myself, because they served as cautionary tales of what can happen if I give too much of myself again.
But constantly living in that past has caused so much unhappiness in my life. I haven’t felt like myself and happy in much too long. I think I “knew” I needed to forgive a long time ago. But no one really ever handed out a guidebook on how to actually get to forgiveness.
I can’t keep hoping for a different version of the past than what had occurred. What happened has happened and I need to let that pass, both for his and my sake.